July 06, 2012
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
June 27, 2012
June 19, 2012
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
May 24, 2012
Job requirements: Professional skills in driving normal- and heavy-freight cars, buses and trucks, trolley buses, trams, subways, tractors, shovel diggers, contemporary light and heavy tanks currently in use by NATO countries.
- Skills in rally and extreme driving are obligatory!
- Formula-1 driving experience is a plus.
- Knowledge and experience in repairing of piston and rotor/Wankel engines, automatic and manual transmissions, ignition systems, board computer, ABS, ABD, GPS and car-audio systems by world-known manufacturers - obligatory!
- Experience with car-painting and tinsmith tasks is a plus.
- The applicants must have certificates by BMW, General Motors and Bosch, but not older than two years.
Compensation: $10-$15/hour, depends on the interview result.
Education requirements: Bachelor's Degree of Engineering.
April 13, 2012
April 01, 2012
A young and pretty lady had posted the following on a popular forum:
Subject: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here.
I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?
I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
- Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
- Which age group should I target?
- Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
- How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.
March 23, 2012
March 12, 2012
A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting.
- Russell H. Ewing
The person who knows HOW will always have a job. The person who knows WHY will always be his boss.
- Diane Ravitch
The real leader has no need to lead - he is content to point the way.
- Henry Miller
The executive exists to make sensible exceptions to general rules.
- Elting E. Morison
The secret of successful managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the four guys who haven't made up their minds.
- Casey Stengel
|A Boss||A Leader|
|Drives employees||Coaches employees|
|Depends on authority||Depends on goodwill|
|Inspires fear||Generates enthusiasm|
|Says "I"||Says "we"|
|Places blame for breakdown||Fixes the breakdown|
|Knows how it's done||Shows how it's done|
|Uses people||Develops people|
|Takes credit||Gives credit|
|Says "Go"||Says "Let's go"|